Whole Hearted

As of lately I have had a few things on my heart. This event, or rather, this process began while I was in India last spring and I have been remembering the event more often as of late. I remember a day that our team broke off into intercession groups. Our goal in this group was nothing more than to see what was on God's heart and what He wanted us to pray for. Usually during these prayer times God gives us specific countries or people groups to pray for, however, this one session was proving to be much different.
As each person began to share what they felt God had told them I realized God was going to once again prove his unpredictability. Mikey our group leader began to share what God had spoken to him. It was the scene from a book called "The Shack" by William Paul Young. The scene where Mack and Papa are behind the waterfall and Papa is showing Mack his beloved daughter Missy and through this scene a healing came to Mack. He found after this encounter that " the great sadness" that was ruling his life was no longer there. No longer a part of Him. Mikey also said, that whatever Tabitha speaks is going to be the key in this intercession time. Here we all turned to Tabitha. She got a picture of this beautiful violin that was being played, and it made such beautiful music. Then she got the picture of the violin again and it was beautiful still, however this time there were no strings on it. The Violin was still beautiful but with out the strings it could not make the music it was intended to make. Then Meg got a picture of a river/waterfall. Rebecka got a bible verse 1 john 1:5.
Walking in the light
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
God had given me the words "Let Go". Hannah Got a turtle Egg with a turtle hatching, and Valarie Got the Word Healing. All pretty random, so we went back to God. After a few minutes we went around the room again.. Mikey wanted to Go last.... Tabitha Got a stem with sunflowers on it. The sun flowers were all beautiful to look at except one. That one was rotted and decayed. Meg and Hannah saw a single star. Rebeka and Valarie felt that God had told them that the healing was for some one in the room. I kept seeing the words first love and revelations 2:4-5.
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.
Finally Mikey's turn came. He said "that the healing was for some one in the room and he had that persons name, However God did not want him to share the name of that person. That particular person had to know that the healing was for them and they had to be the one to receive it. There are two in this room it is for but he only had one name. So, we waited for God to show us who. The whole time I had this crazy knot in my stomach and I just wanted to burst into tears. I kept thinking however, "no it isn't me. I am just on rebound from the emotional day I had yesterday. I bet it is for Meg because I know Meg is struggling with a lot of the same stuff I am". As soon as I finished this thought Meg began to speak . " OK so at first I thought that the healing was for me because I have been struggling, but then I thought that was wrong and this is really for Crystal because she has been struggling with a lot also." as soon as she finished speaking I told her that I had been thinking the exact same thing but in reverse. Next Rebecka and Valarie Jumped in. "Oh my goodness I totally thought it was for Meg and Crystal." This is where we all turned and looked at Mikey because he was the only one who had a name. "O.k. I did get that this healing was for two people in this room. Crystal You were the name I got. Mikey continued. " Just so you know this is pretty awesome because we asked the God of the Universe specifically what was on his heart and what He wants us to pray for. God could have asked us to pray for starving Kids in Indonesia, But God's heart was for you." We had to end there because we ran out of time and needed to rejoin the rest of the team. Though I did meet with leaders later I never did fully grasp or understand what it was God wanted to heal in me. There was still a block in place somewhere in my heart that had yet to be removed. I left this memory in India and didn't think much about it again until recently.
Lately I seemed to be struggling with what it means to truly be in love with God. I found myself thinking that my heart was bad. The true meaning of what God did for me really didn't matter. Someone who loves God would have a complete passion for righteousness, conviction for sin no matter how small, compassion for people: even those considered unlovable, and a desire to to spend time with the one who gave it all for me. These were things I lacked. My quiet times had become a check on the to do list rather than a time to hear God and to love on Him. In short I really didn't want to spend time with Him at all. There were some compromises that I had been allowing in my life that I realized I didn't feel convicted for at all. Emotionally nothing was there. I wasn't sure what to do or even how to ask God to help me. Somehow, even though I felt nothing, I still wanted God more than anything I wanted to know what was wrong with my heart. I wanted to be fully alive and free in Him. I wanted to make sure He really was truly speaking to me and that I could still hear him. After some recent set backs I wasn't sure I was.
During a quiet time one night I came across a verse in Joel

Joel 2:12-14 (New International Version)

Rend Your Heart
"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing— grain offerings and drink offerings for the LORD your God.

When I first read that my thoughts were: " That's what I want God, to feel so convicted when I sin that it brings me to tears in repentance before You and never turn back to it." From then on I began to pray for God to stir up the emotions in me. To help me find what blocks were in place in my heart that were keeping me from truly feeling as I needed to feel toward God, Towards people, towards sin, towards righteousness.
As I sat in Barnes and nobles the other day reading a few books and talking to God something suddenly broke inside my spirit. I began to remember past events that were still hard for me. Things people had said that hurt me terribly. I began to tear up right there in the book store. The memories kept playing on in my head. Memories from when I was a child. Memories from high school, and more recent memories from my adult life. The memories that left me with deep wounds of abandonment, worthlessness, fear and distrust. The wounds that I was keeping from God. The wounds that were setting up a wall between us. The tears continued to well up inside me. " God these things hurt why do I have to remember them." Then I knew. God didn't speak it. The heavens didn't open up. Angels didn't begin to dance and sing around me. I simply felt it. God was showing me everything in my heart He wanted to heal. Everything that He had wanted to heal back in India during our intercession time, and back when I first knew Him. I had set band aids all over these wounds. However God didn't come to give me a band aid. He came that I might have life and live it to the full (John 10:10). I finally understood what God had been trying to show me for so long. " O.k God, these are the areas You want to heal in me. What do You want me to do?" "Just let me in." came the simple response. Seeing some of these areas finally brought tears of repentance for things that I did and things I was doing. Along with that came forgiving and choosing to trust those whom I had, without realizing it, chosen not to ever trust and not to forgive. Later that Night God gave me these verses in the book of Isaiah

5 Why should you be beaten anymore? Why do you persist in rebellion? Your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted. From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness— only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil. Isaiah 1:5-6 (New International Version)


The Branch of the Lord
2 In that day the Branch of the LORD will be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the land will be the pride and glory of the survivors in Israel. 3 Those who are left in Zion, who remain in Jerusalem, will be called holy, all who are recorded among the living in Jerusalem. 4 The Lord will wash away the filth of the women of Zion; he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem by a spirit [a] of judgment and a spirit [b] of fire. 5 Then the LORD will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over all the glory will be a canopy. 6 It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain. Isaiah 5:2-6

The True Vine
1 “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will[b] ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples. John 15:1-8 (New King James Version)

There it is I am the branch. God was seeking to make me beautiful and glorious. With no wounds, and no scars. A brand new creation. And I cannot Gain that without him. " Not by might nor by power, but by my spirit says the Lord God almighty." (Zachariah 4:6). I am no where near finished in this area. But for once I look forward to the journey getting there, and look forward to seeing what God does when and while the restoration in completed.

Thank You God for the good heart you have given and placed in me. for taking this heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh. I thank you God because I know that in me you are going to restore me and make me whole. Continue to stir up a fire of passion in my heart. Consume me. Ruin me For the ordinary. Mold me into something pure, something that is a reflection of You.